If It Kills Me
by Miss Lavender Sky
Summary: Chuck fights his feelings for Blair. Song-fic for Jason Mraz's "If It Kills Me."


**A/N: So I'm in love with this song, and I thought I might as well use it. This takes place before Chuck and Blair are ever together, early on in the series. I don't own Gossip Girl, the characters, or the song [Jason Mraz].**

"Hello, tell me you know. Yeah, you figured me out. Something gave it away. It would be such a beautiful moment to see the look on your face. To know that I know that you know now. And baby, that's a case of my wishful thinking, you know nothing. Well, you and I, why we go carrying on for hours on and we get along much better than you and your boyfriend.

Well, all I really want to do is love you, a kind much closer than friends use. But I still can't say it after all we've been through. And all I really want from you is to feel me, as the feeling inside keeps building, and I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me.

How long can I go on like this, wishing to kiss you, before I rightly explode? Well, this double life I lead isn't healthy for me, yeah, it makes me nervous. If I get caught, I could be risking it all. 'Cause maybe there's a lot that I miss in case I'm wrong.

All I really want to do is love you, a kind much closer than friends use. But I still can't say it after all we've been through. And all I really want from you is to feel me, as the feeling inside keeps building, and I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me, if it kills me.

If I should be so bold, I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hadn, tell you from the start how I long to be your man, but I never said a word, I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again.

Well, all I really want to do is love you, a kind much closer than friends use. But I still can't say it after all we've been through. And all I really want from you is to feel me, as the feeling inside keeps building, and I will find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me, if it kills me. Oh, I think it might kill me.

And all I really wanna do is to feel you, yeah, the feeling inside keeps building. I'll find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me. It might kill me."

-Jason Mraz, "If It Kills Me"

* * *

Chuck stared at her from across the room. He smiled involuntary as she laughed at something someone had said. She had the nicest laugh. As she laughed, she looked across the room, and saw him, staring at her. She smiled softly and turned back to someone else.

How could she not know?

She had to know. He talked with her, more than any of the other girls. He told her more than he told anyone else. He laughed with her. He plotted with her. He paid more attention to her than anyone else. He always came to her when she needed him. He was always there…because he wanted to be there. How could she not know?

But the way she looked at him, the smiles she sent him, the way she talked to him… She didn't know. She just wouldn't take the hints. She couldn't comprehend it.

But what if she did? What if she saw it, one of these days, and was able to comprehend it? What would she do?

Maybe she would understand. Maybe she would tell him she felt the same way. Maybe she would tell him how much she thought about him, how much she wanted to tell him, but she was too afraid. Maybe she was too afraid he'd blow her off like the other girls.

But he would never do that. Not to her. He loved her. Strange as it was, he did. He loved her, and as he watched her from across the room, her arm wrapped around her boyfriend, and his best friend, it nearly killed him.

He decided he needed fresh air, as much as he loved to torture himself by watching her with him. He walked onto the balcony and took a deep breath.

That was the part that hurt the most. What could he really do about any of all this? She had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who said he loved her, and who she said she loved. A boyfriend who happened to be his best friend, who wouldn't do anything to hurt him. How could he do this?

This was Blair and Nate, and they were always together. Always had been, always will be, as everyone saw it. They were the perfect couple. They barely fought, their families got along well, and everything depended on them. It was like they were meant to be.

But they weren't, was the thing. He knew they weren't. They couldn't be right for each other, because he was right for her. Not Nate.

He heard footsteps behind him, and turned around to see Blair walking towards him. She smiled that smile again as she leaned on the balcony beside him.

"This is a nice party," she said, looking at him.

He nodded. "Yeah, it really is." This was his chance. He needed this. He opened his mouth to say it, to spill everything, but then his thoughts caught up with him.

What if she said no? What if she blew him off? Why would she want him? She had a boyfriend already, her kind of boyfriend- smart, stable, polite, well-dressed. Why would she want a smooth-talking party-boy? Who would make that trade?

He took a deep breath. "I've got to go back inside," he said shortly, and he turned around and walked inside.

* * *

He could've kicked himself. That was his chance. And he screwed it up. Again. He always screwed it up.

He just couldn't deal with the doubts. It was too hard, seeing her with him one second, then talking to her the next. Everything got all mixed around.

It was wrong to want her. She was _Nate's_ girlfriend. He couldn't steal Nate's girlfriend. Nate was his best friend. He couldn't hurt him like that.

He could never hurt Nate, but he didn't know how much longer he could last. He needed to at least tell her, to get it out finally.

But he couldn't. Even though it was killing him inside, he could never.

* * *

Again, he found himself on the balcony. The party was almost over, and he couldn't stand to see the two of them together anymore. He just couldn't take it.

He leaned against the balcony, a drink in his hand. It was too much to take, all of it. Every time he looked at her, he felt the unwavering need to go to her and hold her. But whenever he saw her with Nate, he felt the overwhelming urge to punch himself in the stomach.

There were footsteps on the balcony again. He didn't turn around this time.

"Hey," came the soft voice that he loved.

He turned around slowly, feeling the dagger in his chest turn sharply as he did so. "Hey."

"Nate's left early," she said quietly.

The dagger turned again. He nodded curtly.

"So, I- I just wanted to say goodbye," she said. There was silence. "So…so, goodbye."

"Goodbye," he said, with a nod.

She nodded back and slowly turned around and began to walk away.

He watched her. This was his chance.

"Actually, no," he said. She turned around quickly. "Not goodbye. I need to talk to you."

There was a wild look to her eyes. He couldn't read them properly, not like usually. There was a mix of confusion and sadness, and…hope?

"I don't know how to say this," he said, now embarrassed, looking everywhere but at her. "It's, uh, it's hard to- I mean, maybe it doesn't…"

"Chuck," she said, her voice firmer. "What is it?"

Her voice gave him the courage he needed. That and her eyes- that glimmer of hope that he saw in them.

"I think- I think I love you," he said finally. "I can't explain it, but I do. And I need to know if you love me too."

He saw several emotions cross her face, and when she finally spoke, there still wasn't a clear emotion sketched on her face.

"I- but- Nate-"

Chuck nodded. "Of course," he said. "Nate."

Blair looked at him, tears welling up in her eyes, as he turned around to face the balcony.

"Yes, there's always Nate, perfect Nate! Go back to Nate like nothing happened. Go back and forget it ever did." His voice went quiet as he said the last sentence.

"Chuck?" she said quietly.

He could say nothing. He just stood there, his back to her, staring up at the moon, taunting him from the sky.

"Chuck!" she said. Her voice was sharper.

"What?" he demanded as he turned around.

He wasn't prepared for the kiss, but that didn't matter. It was the best kiss he'd ever had. He had kissed a lot of girls before, but he had never loved them. Not like he lover Blair.

She finally pulled away, her hands on his face and her eyes still watery. "I think I love you too," she said.

And they kissed again, not caring about anything but each other.

**What do you think? :D**


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